Sara Ackrill - Be Nice To Yourself

I've spent a lot of time listening to my thoughts lately and it's been nothing short of remarkable. After I was given medication to take the edge of my intolerably high level of anxiety, following every kind of personal stress last year, (I scored 18/20 on the anxiety register after leaving partner, adoptive country, city-life, decent job, friends...), it was time to look at creating a better and more long-term strategy to limit the chances of this happening again. I emphasise the word creating because you really can draw up how you'd like to think and therefore be. For this I recommend, once again, the Mood Gym based on CBT*. Pay particular attention to the WUTIWUF model, you'll see!

I also want to say, before I go any further, that it may come as a shock when you realise what utter drivel you've been listening to all these years. It did for me! I felt quite sad and wanted to make amends to myself immediately. All I would say if I can offer some friendly advice, is be kind and compassionate to yourself. Rest assured, that you were being the best 'parent' to yourself it was possible for you to be at the time you started thinking these thoughts. You did it because it performed a function in your life and it isn't because you no longer need them that you should feel guilty about having had them for so long. Compassion, remember, starts with yourself :)

Admittedly, my case was complicated by 16 years of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Panic Disorder that I've had intermittently for roughly, 18-month blocks. I've read an inordinate amount of books on these subjects and these are the essential points I take away from them as a 'sufferer'.

OCD describes a person of essentially rigid moral values and a certain perfectionism, who tries to control inappropriate and often harmful thoughts, thereby ensuring all by themselves they are plagued with such thoughts thereafter(!) A bit like if you tell yourself you absolutely musn't think of flying pigs. You can guarantee it's the first thing that'll come to mind. As a consequence the OCD person engages in either hidden, mental rituals or more obvious hand-washing, rearranging things, avoiding cracks in the pavement-style rituals, in order to regain their status as a 'good' person (a lot of highly subjective words here, you will note). This, as opposed to a non-OCD sufferer, who might have the same thoughts in the course of an average day and lets them go over their head. That is my take and it helps me to remember it from time to time.

Panic Disorder is extremely frustrating in that it encompasses a lot of different and wide-ranging symtoms, so you can feel like you have 15 things wrong with you and believe me there are books written on every one of them! Hands up if you're a fellow panic sufferer. Have you also secretly vowed to punch the next 'medical professional' who tells you it's a normal caveman-like response to impending danger, such as charging wildebeest and that in the past, such an instinct would have saved your life?! Personally, I am sick to death of the 'caveman theory', it doesn't help me when I'm in a meeting with my boss, with palms sweating, head and heart racing and a desire to either throw up or run out the door! So I take the late Dr. Elizabeth Weekes' view that it's all nervous disorder (note, the nervous, not 'mental') and all grows from the same seed, making tackling it a lot more manageable. Incidentally, if you suffer from panic or other nervous disorders please try this, the mp3 recordings are free and very wonderful:

The problem with both OCD and panic, is they can turn you into a full-time detective, constantly seeking information everywhere and desperate to get to the reasons why you have them. Put very simply, they are both related to control and perfectionism. It is best you see a therapist about such issues and allow yourself free-time to explore all the wonderful parts of you that are not in a period of OCD or panic! Believe me, you are a lot greater than either and these other parts of you shouldn't be neglected - for the sake of your own happiness and fulfillment, (your creativity, spirituality and more practical sides, for example). Don't dedicate your entire life to getting better. It will take over your life if you do that. It's a passage of time and as Dr. Weekes said, "however long you have been ill, you can recover". Some of her former patients suffered for decades. A popular buddhist expression goes, 'This too shall pass', although I accept how hard it is to take this on board when you're in a bad patch and no longer want even to leave the house!

So why, having understood all of this did I (after a wonderfully 'light' few weeks), start getting the old mood swings and heavy-duty guilt back again? Well this is what I want to draw your attention to... It's what I will call here (without any reference to medical theories that might draw on similar analogies) 'White Noise'.

What is white noise? To me, it's the beliefs and the subtle layers of 'self-talk' that take longer to chip away at and really hear, as you might do with more obvious, individual thoughts. I'd like you to be aware of this 'noise' so you can peel away it's layers, without seeking to define it or understand it. You probably won't be able to define it, it's so subtle, but you can draw it, write poetry about it, sing about it or just lie on the floor making the most appropriate noise that comes to mind. Try and do this when you're alone though! Whatever you do, instead of seeking 'highs' to avoid it, or using outside noise to blot it out, sit with it, accept it, until little by little you can break up the noise into the actual beliefs and repetitive thoughts that lie within it. If you're not taking any mind-altering substances (remember alcohol is a depressant and even excessive sugar intake can give you a low... So I'm not just talking about drugs here), then you can bet your life it's the white noise that's altering your mood: Like everything in this life, it's trying to tell you something.

Sara Ackrill is a psychosynthesis student living in the UK, with a pronounced interest in both Buddhism and womens' issues. Her newly created blog, Indigo Bloo, combines these interests with articles on current affairs as well as her own take on matters relating to mental illness, something she has been personally affected by. Sara's objective is to become a coach, therapist and trainer and she also hopes to write about personal development in a professional capacity once she has qualified. To view Sara’s blog please visit Indigo Bloo.

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